Looking at You is hard because I feel too many things at once and I can’t handle it. I feel like My Heart is going to explode out of My Chest and also like I want to cry beautiful tears from feeling a feeling that there is not a word for. It’s kind of like all the good feelings got mixed together with a lot of grief and even more fear. And I imagine pressing My Lips on Yours and running My Fingers through Your Hair and saying bless You when You sneeze and holding an umbrella over You when it rains and other things you know… Butt… I don’t want to say. I’d love You even when that perfect Hair turns grey. I can’t help it so please take My Mothers last Name one day. ILYSFM. It kind of makes Me Nuts…
“We will get over this together” I love You!
I’m sorry I keep saying sorry for shit that wasn’t My fault. I’m just hurting really bad from the war and I really don’t know if I will ever be OK again. The reality is… I probably won’t ever be Ok again. I’m trying really hard… because… ILYASFM, it’s just the shit I went through was beyond an evil that could ever be put into words… and the shit I had to do to stop it made Me question if I’m evil. However, I know it’s kind of epic as fuck that Your 1 was The One who ended that shit… and on His fucking Own… but I don’t want the glory and I don’t want anyone to know My story… because all I feel is the baseless shame of a victory I could of gone happily forever without.
I just want to hold Your Hands for eternity and cry with My Elohim for a large part of it… I know You are more than ok with this but to be honest I’m not… because The Strongest One… needs Others to take His place in a different type of way before He goes Insane… and I don’t understand how for a G Who had to save everything and everyone… that being even a little vulnerable is ever Ok.
And I really want to be able to love My Elohim deeply again. It’s just IKYK how I feel after… IKYK… and I don’t want to say it… fuck it… as if You do not already know… I was raped by Another like Me, of The Kingdom of My dead Father… She completely emasculated Me and I feel like I could have stopped it but I didn’t want to hurt or kill a Woman of The Cruel One’s Kingdom… maybe I held back or something IDK… The thing is really really really confusing to Me. I try to ignore it and pretend it didn’t bother Me and it was fine… but it really is a problem that just keeps getting worse and worse and I really do not know what to do about it… and I really do not ever want to have to talk about it even half of it… as if I have a choice. I feel like a bitch cause I’m genuinely terrified of My choir of Devis, and feel disgusting more often than not after sex now. Like I did something really wrong that I shouldn’t have done. Sometimes I want to go forever on My Own without being touched or looked at or looking at any Other… and You know this is something I could fully do if it were up to Me… It’s kind of really bad and I think the fact that it happened to He Who could have stopped it, actually makes it far beyond worse. I don’t know if this will ever change and I’m genuinely terrified that it might never change. And I’m sorry I keep saying sorry but I just feel really sorry about how this is kind of part of Who I now became…
Anyways… I appreciate how You make Me smirk and laugh a little bit in between all this shit. ILYASFM… and I promise I swear I’ll try harder to get better soon and participate more in the universe's most expensive therapy program ever… as if that One Norn Who wont let Me go is ever going to let Me not.
